What I have learned in 2011...

1.   If you eat a lot you will gain weight.
2.   Brushing your teeth does not necessarily mean you have fresh breath...use floss.
3.   Bailey's is good all year round.
4.   Stop blaming everything around you for your circumstances and be accountable for your shit.
5.   It isn't that you don't know what you have until it is gone - it is that you never thought you would lose it (this doesn't apply to weight).
6.   You are better than you give yourself credit for.
7.   There are too many banks and not enough money.
8.   Assholes and stupidity walk among us.
9.   Sometimes it is better not to say anything (I have not yet mastered this).
10. Fat and ugly are not one word and don't go together nor do skinny and beautiful.
11. Music invigorates the soul.
12. Groupon.com is great.
13. There are some things that will never be forgotten (unless Alzheimer sets in).
14.  Bitterness makes you ugly inside.
15.  Soda is mentally addictive.
16.  My friends and family are the best.
17.  Listen to your instinct - it is there for a purpose.
18.  Pay attention to what is going on in the world around you (no matter how depressing - this is something I really need to get working on).
19.  Just because you think it is urgent doesn't mean it is.
20.  Amazing people surround you - take notice.

Happy New Year!

Random Ish & Other Nonsense - The Book

is due to be released at the beginning of 2012.  Like my Facebook page below for up to date information.

Random-Ish-Other-Nonsense Facebook Page

Thank you for your support.

Let the count down begin!!

May the New Year Bring you and yours love, laughter, happiness and good fortune!

I am utterly disgusted with the amount of cuts the Department of Education & Mayor has made to NYC Public Schools across the board over the 5 boroughs.  They grade teachers and students and yet continue to cut funding, expecting parents of low-middle income to carry the schools.

Every PTA meeting I attend has fund raising at the foreground - silent auction, bake sale, cookie swap, dollar drive, rummage, etc....At a PTA meeting I attended last night we actually applauded because someone donated a box of paper to the schools covered in our district.  That is some bullshit.    The DOE might as well have our educators drawing math problems on the dirt outside with a stick.

ATTENTION DOE & POWERS THAT BE - FIND ANOTHER WAY TO BALANCE YOUR BUDGET! 

Every damn year for the past I don't even know how many years the budget goes down at the very least another $20,000.  I am figuring the DOE is currently giving each school $32.50 for the entire school year.

STOP IT ALREADY!  Parents - it is time to make some noise and not accept these cuts as an option.  The wheels are turning so stay tuned.

Hi folks!

Been a little busy this month and haven't had any brilliant thoughts to write about - as if all my other post are brilliant - smh...I digress.  I was hoping to have Random Ish & Other Nonsense out by Christmas but it looks like it will be in January (fingers crossed).

I have had a blessed year and I am very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.  I want to thank you for dropping in on my blog and reading my posts and truly hope that it has brought some laughter into your life.

I want to wish all of you and your families a wonderful holiday season!  Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and Season's Greetings for those who don't.  Remember to pick and choose your battles and make sure they are worth fighting for.  May your family and loved ones be blessed and may the ones who are no longer on earth stay alive in your hearts and continue to watch over you and give your strength.

I can't take credit for this pic but I loved it so I wanted to share.

 

See you next year.

This is some F N Crazy ISH!

This is some serious BS

It would be death by stoning for me but I am taking some of the F'krs down with me. 

Luis Hernandez

Ok - so when I was 16 ish I dated this guy named Luis Hernandez.  We worked together at the SoL.  Anyway, Luis liked me more than I liked him and I didn't treat him very nicely.  I always said to myself that if I ever ran into him on the train or in the street I would apologize for being the heffa I was.  However, I have not run into him nor can I find him on FB...let's face it - this isn't an uncommon name.

So, with that said, I am posting on my blog a message to Luis Hernandez who worked at the SoL, lived in Brooklyn (I think Bay Ridge - I remember the L train), was tall and had light eyes.  He probably graduated in 1988/89 as he was a year or 2 younger than me (can you be a cougar at the age of 16?).  He had a younger sister and use to hang out with a guy named Eric who also worked with us.

Dear Luis:

I am sorry that I was a bitch.  You didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated you.  I know we were young but I often think of what I would have done differently. You were a nice guy.  I hope life has been good to you and your family.

Solicitation.

"So, Miss/Mr. [insert name here] - can I put you down for a SMALL contribution of $50.

First of all there is nothing small about a $50.  That is at least 2 rounds of drinks for me and my girls during happy hour.

I, as much as everyone else, understand that times are hard.  The holidays are coming and there are so many people and children that will go without.  With that said, I suggest you make sure your organization is a damn good one before you call me and ask for money.  In fact don't bother - I will donate where I deem fit which will not include: the bus, the train, any street corner, in front of Rite Aid while you are opening the door or a telephone call from someone who acts like they have known me for years yet can't pronounce my name.

20

I think 20 is a nice number.  It is a nice age, looks good when you receive one in a card and even is a good quantity to have of something....and when I say something I mean things like shoes or purses NOT KIDS.  Are you serious?  I swear that after 4 kids (I only have 2 personally) if my husband would have so much as looked at me with a spark in his eye those very eyes would be served to him on a platter.  I mean after 6 kids how are you not carrying around your uterus in a back pack or pushing it in a shopping cart.  Is it even normal for married couples to have sex that many times?

 Bob Duggar's sperm should request overtime pay and may even have a unfair labor practice case against him.  As far as Michelle Duggar's eggs go...might I recommend non dairy.

Can you cook?

Why would a guy ask a girl he is trying to hook up with "can you cook?"
What does that have to do with the price of milk?  Whether I can or can't is irrelevant because if we go out we are going to a restaurant.  You just shot to shit any chance you had of me even offering to make you a bowl of cereal. Get the F out of here with that BS neanderthal caveman way.  The question is "can you give me 3 O's while fixing the sink and painting the kitchen?" That's right - multi task.

Text Break Up...

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with going out on a date, waiting to get home and then texting the person (providing you have exchanged numbers) and saying "um, I had a nice time BUT I am not feeling you."

Unless you have been in a relationship for over a year actually living together (long distance or seeing each other once a week doesn't count UNLESS you are in the military or being detained for "alleged" illegal activity) or you have kids together (that you see or speak to on a regular - if your ass is in DR and your wife and kids have been in New York for over 6 months it is not considered together, I don't care what the certificate says) there is nothing wrong with getting a text break up.  For those who say it is the cowards way out I say this. "Who cares?"  The message needed to get delivered - whether through text, e-mail, blimp across the sky, poster board or a tattoo on my ass - I am not feeling you OR it is over - done.

McNuggets please.

Only in New York can you be approached in McDonalds by a begging vagrant - you offer him a cheeseburger and mother fucker tells you he wants nuggets.

Random Ish & Other Nonsense

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Infidelity

The majority of the population is always doing something to improve their health & beauty.  I myself stress all the time about my weight and how I look.  In any case - if people as beautiful and successful as Demi Moore and Halle Berry get cheated on all I can say is this - "pass the fucking donuts!"

It is called a boat!

MIAMI (AP) — "Endurance athlete Diana Nyad ended her swimming ultramarathon from Cuba to Florida on Sunday after medics warned another painful sting from a Portuguese Man o' War could be life threatening, Nyad team members said.


Nyad was very swollen from multiple stings to her face and body, said Vanessa Linsley, who worked on Nyad's team...

...The 62-year-old swimmer had completed at least 49 miles (79 kilometers) of the 103-mile (166-kilometer) passage of the treacherous Florida Straits. She soldiered through the stings, at one point cutting eye and mouth holes through a swim cap she wore over her face to prevent future stings...

...But around 11:30 a.m., medics warned toxins from the stings were building up and another sting could be serious, Linsley said."

My question is this?  Why would you want to swim that distance - chance sharks, jelly fish, orca - whatever else is lurking in the ocean when you can take a fucking boat?

Oh hell no to suicide...

I was reading an article about a 60 year old veteran sky diver who unhooked his parachute and committed suicide.  Why the fuck would someone do that?  If I am killing myself it is because life is hard and I don't want to deal with it....I am going for the easy way out - Carbon Monoxide.  I am not jumping out a plane, train or off a building...if it ever comes out in the news that this was how I passed I was pushed - and you can best believe my shoes (and my ass for that matter) left skid marks.

I am not blowing my head off because shit I am pretty.
I am not slicing any part of myself because I am chunky and I will be there all day cutting, plus it would be a bitch to clean and I am considerate of other people like that.
There will be no hanging from my closet - especially with no clothes on - I don't want any part of my flab hanging, it is dark in there and blue isn't my color.
Pouring gas on and setting myself a blaze is out of the fucking question (I don't even like when I fart).

Bottom line - this bitch is not taking her own life.

The chain of command.

Just really curious...who is Jagger, why do I want to move like him and why do I care that you can?

One of those mornings...

No NYC commute is complete without a horse whip.  I am going on Amazon and ordering mine now. 

Random Ish the Book

After much encouragement, proofing and revisions Random Ish & Other Nonsense is closer to being finalized and put into publication. Be on the look out...


Random Ish & Other Nonsense

Just because.....

Just because....

you don't understand me doesn't mean I'm full of shit.

I don't call you doesn't mean I don't think of you. (just that I don't want to talk to you right now)

I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. (So don't get cute)

I cry doesn't mean I'm weak. (How bad you want to find out?)

I don't cry doesn't mean I'm not hurt. (Be very concerned in this event).

I love you doesn't mean I will always like you. (and you will usually sense those times)

I let you go doesn't mean I no longer love you. (just that I am tired of being with your selfish, lazy ass)

You are beautiful outside doesn't mean you can't be ugly as all get out inside. (and you need to check yourself)

You have kids doesn't mean you are a parent. (Hellooooo, love them, take care of them, show them you care, laugh with them...they going to pick out the home you get put in to)

You are smart doesn't mean you are right. (so STFU)

Damn...this list can go on for days..

Be straight...

Some times being straight with someone can be difficult. Don't confuse being straight with being mean. Take a little time and choose your words wisely. Get your point across in a direct manner. There is a saying (and I unfortunately can not take credit for it): "Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean."

I am surprised the earth hasn't split in 2 with all the bullshit being laid on top of it.

Hanging ish....

Damn you the piece of hanging shit from my dog's ass...

Stupid Questions...

There is indeed such a thing as stupid questions and I know people who ask them frequently.

Sissyism - Thoughts

Our thougths can be our biggest downfall.

Sissyism - check your ish...

Look at the part you played in every situation...blame, shame and cry foul all you want but make sure you check your role in it, no matter how small, because you most likely have one.

Trust...

Trusting others can be difficult.  Trusting yourself essential.  Deep down you know what you need to do you just have to find the courage and strength to do it.  When you are ready you will move forward until then sit on the fence if you need to but be aware of what surrounds you. It is ok to be afraid of making a mistake - it is not ok to let that fear control your decisions and actions.  Take the chance. Trust yourself.

It is hot.....really really hot.....

so here are some tips:

Wearing a short skirt, when your thighs (which are the size of 2 pernils) are rubbing together so tightly they are whispering "add sazon," is really not encourgaged. (you had to see it to believe it).

Go extra hard on the deodorant and throw some on your back while you at it.

Brush your teeth, chew gum or do both because hot air and hot breath mixed travel a further distance.

Don't let any part of your sweaty body (or the forehead of your sweaty child) touch another human being while commuting.

Don't say to people "look at how much I am sweating"....we don't give a shit, we are hot also.

If need be shoving an ice cube between your ass crack, in your bra or under your sack is totally acceptable.

Sissyism

Humble pie tastes horrible but it is good for the digestive system.

Sissyism

"Learn who you are before you become what others want."

Sissyism

I was unable to find a Friday Pet worthy video, so I will substitute with a Sissyism...

"During those times in life where you can't seem to let go...turn to your loved ones so they can smack that shit out your hands."

Friday Pet - Breed issues.

WTF kind of nasty ish is this?

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. - A Minnesota woman accused of concealing a stolen mink coat in her underwear for three days pleaded guilty to a theft charge. Bloomington police said Stephanie Moreland, 46, was arrested on a felony theft charge on New Year's Eve after employees at the Alaska Fur Company accused her of stealing the short mink coat, valued at $6,500, WCCO-TV, Minneapolis, reported Wednesday. A sales associate at the store took down Moreland's license plate number and police located the woman and her car a short time later, but the only sign of the coat was an empty hanger, police said. Moreland was booked into jail and she admitted three days later to having stolen the coat, but she claimed it had already been sold. However, when told she would be taken to the Hennepin County Jail downtown, Moreland lifted up her dress and revealed the coat had been shoved into her underwear. "She had modified her underwear. She actually cut the rear of the underwear out so that from the back it appeared she was not wearing underwear and then stuffed it down the front," Bloomington Police Cmdr. Mark Stehlik said. Moreland pleaded guilty to the theft charge Monday and is due to be sentenced Aug. 8.

Oh HELL No...Death at a Funeral

This is some bullshit and why I want to be creamated.  My luck I will sleep right through the procession and open my eyes when I am already underground.  Fuck that.  Burn me and if I was alive I am a done deal.

A confident man.

There is something about man with confidence that is very appealing.  A man that is willing to approach a woman and let her know he is interested. HOWEVER, your confidence isn't worth a damn if:

you are driving a Benz but you are 87 and hooked up to an oxygen machine (unless you have your bank statement on hand - but let's face it if you were rich you would have a driver);

you are driving in a green Nova, have to sit on a phonebook to see out the front windshield - and are most likely not a citizen;

you are sitting on a milk crate in front of the corner store with a dixie cup filled with beer;

you wear socks with your mandals (you are narrowing your chances with the mandals alone);

you have a big peepee stain on your pants;

you smell like dirty ass;

your breath can kill a mocking bird;

you have no teeth...I know I always come back to this but with dental technology you should have a few;

you have a comb over (worse if it is a windy day);

you spit when you talk...a lot (also bad on a windy day);

Did I miss any?

Friday Pet - Take the F N paper.

What I remember about Kindergarten......

The scissors didn't cut.
The paste didn't stick but smelled like shit.
On Nor was a bitch.
The teacher played the piano and we sang about a black bird going through someones window (that's  racist).
The biggest blocks EVER.
The smell of crayons.
The teacher's were short (well Ms. Goodman and Ms. Unterberger sure were).
The caps for our promotion ceremony were made out of construction paper - and my mother the hairstylist decided to put my hair in a beehive - good looking out mom.
Mr. Thau liked jackets with plaid and had a 2 finger fetish but the best comb over I ever saw.
The world was a scary place.....I guess some things don't change.

A Poem for Dad (Submitted by Cory)

Dad! What can I say?

You’re a father, and today is your day!

How will you spend it? Let us see!

With none other than Dineen, Sissy and me!

Not fishing, not reading, or taking in sun.

But dining with three daughters. Now that sounds like fun!

We shall talk about what a great father you are.

How you’re one of the greatest dads, by far.

With your Mathis, Bensons, and Strand book,

Your cabana shirts and a wife who don’t cook.

With your trusty mini-van that goes vroom,

And a Papi that never leaves his room.

With your right side of the bed, and those Jets.

Your missing mustache. How about those Mets?

With your Fox News, and your republican ways.

Daily calls to Emily to discuss your days.

Happy father’s day dad! You are the best.

None of us are strippers or in jail, so you’ve passed the test!

Oh, you’ll say whose your fav, but I know it’s a lie.

It’s okay, I know the truth. It’s me … Semper Fi.

Friday Pet - OMG Cat

Friday Pet - Denver did it.

A man's perspective - and my responses!

I am not sure who wrote this.  I copied it from a friend's FB note and it didn't indicate who the original creator was nor could I come across it online, however, it is worthy of reading so enjoy!


The Man Rules (AND MY REPONSES)


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, the guys' side of the story.  I must admit, it's pretty good.  We always hear " the rules"  From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side. 

(First and Foremost) Men are NOT mind readers.
MEN AREN'T READERS AT ALL - THEY ONLY LIKE PICTURE BOOKS.


Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
REGARDLESS, UP OR DOWN YOUR AIM IS OFF.


Sunday sports, It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
TRY TO MULTI TASK- WATCH SPORTS AND DUST.

Crying is blackmail.  Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
CRYING WORKS THAT IS WHY WE DO IT!

YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU WANT SEX.

If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
IF WE WANT HELP SOLVING IT CHANCES ARE YOU ARE THE ONE CAUSING IT AND WILL THEREFORE BE THE LAST PERSON WE WILL ASK.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
I BELIEVE RAPE HAS A 5 YEAR STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS - YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS YOUR COMMENTS WILL BE ADMISSIBLE WHENEVER WE DECIDE - IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM USED THEN DON'T SAY THEM!

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
YOU ARE THE REASON WE ARE FAT.

You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON'T DO WHAT WE ASK AND IF YOU DO YOU DO IT INCORRECTLY ON PURPOSE - SO THEREFORE IN THE END WE USUALLY DO IT OURSELVES OR BITCH ABOUT IT.  DO IT WHEN WE ASK AND DO IT CORRECTLY. [PLEASE NOTE THAT THE DEFINITION OF CORRECTLY IS THE WAY WE WANT IT DONE].

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
SAME RULES APPLY WHEN WE ARE WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL OR GREY'S ANATOMY.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
THE PRICE OF GAS HAS GONE UP SINCE CHRIS WENT SAILING SO UNLESS YOU ARE RICH STOP AND ASK OR USE YOUR SMART PHONE FOR SOMETHING SMART AND NOT JUST TO FORWARD PICS OF MIDGETS MUD WRESTLING.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD.

IF it itches IT WILL be scratched.  We do that.
YES AND DOGS LICK THEIR PARTS DURING A KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY - THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE AND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
NOTHING MEANS YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW AND YOU PROBABLY ARE THE CAUSE.  FIGURE IT OUT - TRY USING YOUR SMARTPHONE.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
YOU ARE STUPID.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
Or Hockey
FYI - WE ASK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING BUT WE REALLY DON'T CARE SO IF YOU WANT SEX THE CORRECT ANSWER WOULD BE "I AM THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE."

You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes.
YOU HAVE 2000 TOOLS AND CAN'T CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape
WE PREFER THE SHAPE OF A DIAMOND.


When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
WE SHALL KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN GOING TO THE IN-LAWS FUNERAL IN SWEATS.

Thank you for reading this..Yes, we know we're sleeping on the couch,  But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
YES AND WHILE YOU ARE DOING THAT WE ARE HIDING THE REMOTE.

There are times.....

When really stupid ish comes out of my mouth.  Case in point.
I said to someone "yeah, he didn't look good at all." [pause....]
Ummm, his ass was in a coffin how the fuck he is suppose to look. SMH - Bendeja.  


Jeremy and I were on the train platform.  There was a gentleman there that had a crutch and one leg substantially shorter than the other....Jeremy looks at me and says "Mom, what's wrong with him?"....I respond with "I think it has something to do with his leg.".......[Jeremy stares at me with an expression of awe and says "Really?????"]

Friday Pet - Who did it?

In my personal observation.....

1. If you have braces you shouldn't eat cheese-doodles (crunchy or otherwise).

2. If you have the misfortune of having smoke emanate from your thighs while you are wearing poom poom shorts......you shouldn't be wearing them.

3. In a pair of sandals - the pinky toe should never be isolated from the others.

4. Once in a while, everyone should invite someone for a cup of coffee/tea..(bacardi)...[BTW-I am free tonight :D].

5. Garlic breath isn't as bad as dirty ass breath.

6. Body odor is never good (refer to dirty ass in #5).

7. Picking out a wedgie when no one is looking is almost impossible.

8. If you aren't on a swim team you should not wear speedos (the polar bear club is not a swim team).

Friday Pet - Something Blue

I never get tired of seeing this ish..

Bologna - Or is that ham?

For more on this Ish click here.

"Can we talk as friends?"

'Hi, can we talk as friends?"......Ummmm - you call when you need, you disappear, you dropped every responsibility you had as a dad on my lap, and whenever I need to speak to you about something offspring related you are nowhere to be found.....no you ass (and I am really refraining) we can not talk as friends.  We can talk as 2 people who have kids together that we both love (although the way we show our love for our kids is obviously different) and therefore I will be mature (well semi mature).....but no we can not talk as friends and for future reference DON'T start a conversation with me using that sentence.  I take my friendships seriously.

Friday Pet - Act cute

Ode to Arnold Schwarzenegger....

May Maria wipe you clean and take your cash,
may your balls develop a smelly itchy rash,
I wish the love child lots of luck
because his father the "sperminator" is a schmuck.

Pet Peeves.

I have several pet peeves and in fact have been guilty of committing some of these offenses. The difference is that when I do then they don't bother me.


1. The stopper - the person who just stops where ever they are. In a doorway, flight of stairs, middle of a busy sidewalk, for whatever reason they stop.

2. The wanderer - you have got all the time in the world so you are humming while you SLOWLY amble to your destination.

If you happen to do either of these in front of someone - who let's say may work for a company where lateness is considered a felony; or in the middle of a state of emergency you will know what it feels like to have someone who weighs between 150 lbs - 176 ish (give or take) treat you like a treadmill with sweets hanging in the front of it. Your ass is going to get trampled on by what feels like a hurd of Mexicans running from Immigration.

3. MTA Procrastinator - This is the person who has no friggin idea where the hell they are going and stop in the middle of the train doors while you stand behind and watch someone else take the seat you were eyeing. Get the fuck out the way puneta.

4. The Leaner – MTA thing again. The train is fairly crowded and you are holding on to the pole. This shit wants to lean their nasty ass wet wool coat on your hand and while I am on the topic if you don't have your metrocard ready why the fuck you standing in front of the turnstile? Again, get the fuck out the way.

5. Conversationalist - the on e who stops in the middle of the sidewalk to talk shit on their cell using all kinds of hand gestures like the person on the other end of the line can see them. Double fuck if they do it on the stairway going into the train station.

6. Elevator stopper - Get the fuck off or on but don't keep the door from closing to discuss some bullshit with the ass who works one floor above AND while we are on the topic when the doors open move the fuck out the way so people can get off. (Notice the common denominator in #s 1-5)

7. The mountain out of a molehill - you picked the phone up after 2 rings instead of 3 so this person has an aneurism and gets all flustered. Calm the fuck down and get away from me with that bullshit.

8. Pretender – the one who acts like they don't know where the towels are (even though they been living in the same house for like 15 years) or that they don't know how to put paper in the printer at work – you make over $500 an hour dumbass.

9. Uncustomer Service – If you work in customer service don't catch a damn attitude with me because you have to do your job – I usually wait until I get what I need before I get a little "Magda" on them.

10. The Teacher – The one who is always telling you some negative shit about your kids even though she/he doesn't have any of their own.  "I think your child has issues, he doesn't listen."  "Um his ass don't listen to me either WTF. I am only feeding him until he is old enough to be sent out into the wild."

Friday Pet - Mystic Cat

Really......

You are blaming your mother because she only woke you up once this morning and you didn't get up?  Since she wakes you up every day it is HER responsibility to make sure you get up.  Really?  How much more are mothers responsible for? You can't find socks, your keys or you don't have enough change for the bus and this is HER fault....did I mention said individual is 19?  Give me a damn break.

A Poem for Mommy (submitted by Cory)

I Love My Mommy

I love my mommy

Big or small

Winter, spring, summer, fall

I love my mommy

Day or night

Getting along, or when we fight

I love my mommy

With her flame red hair

And I love her gray

I love it when she covers lunch

But the tip, I have to pay

I love my mommy

Thick or thin

Casual or fancy

When she wants her hair colored

She should ask in advancey

I love my mommy

She’s got a lot of sass

I love her chicken with onion in the ass

I love my mommy

On this you can bet!

Whether she smells of yarn or cigarette

And on this very special day

I declare

I love my mommy in every way

Friday Pet.

Royal Wedding.....your thoughts?

Royal Wedding

My thoughts.
1. I didn't know they had a crazy hat fettish over thur.
2. I hope one of the little girls in the wedding party grows into her forehead and that puberty does her well.
3. Kate and her dress looked really pretty.
4. Prince William is balding.
5. Finally - I hope he treats her better than his dad did his mom.

Friday Pet.

He is really feeling the vibe...

Ugly Ish!

Everyone needs some Hoove Heels.

I will pay $ to see a bish walk in these (p.s. - check out toe nail)

Are you F N kidding?

Copyright 2011 Associated Press

All Rights Reserved
The Associated Press
April 25, 2011 Monday 05:57 PM GMT
SECTION: INTERNATIONAL NEWS
LENGTH: 1269 words
HEADLINE: Taliban tunnel more than 480 out of Afghan prison
BYLINE: By MIRWAIS KHAN and HEIDI VOGT, Associated Press
DATELINE: KANDAHAR, Afghanistan
BODY:

During the long Afghan winter, Taliban insurgents were apparently busy underground.

The militants say they spent more than five months building a 1,050-foot tunnel to the main prison in southern Afghanistan, bypassing government checkpoints, watch towers and concrete barriers topped with razor wire.

The diggers finally poked through Sunday and spent 4 1/2 hours ferrying away more than 480 inmates without a shot being fired, according to the Taliban and Afghan officials. Most of the prisoners were Taliban militants.

Accounts of the extraordinary prison break, carried out in the dead of night, suggest collusion with prison guards, officials or both.

Following a recent wave of assassinations here, the breakout underscores the weakness of the Afghan government in the south despite an influx of international troops, funding and advisers. It also highlights the spirit and resourcefulness of the Taliban despite months of battlefield setbacks.

Officials at Sarposa prison in Kandahar city, the one-time Taliban capital, say they discovered the breach at about 4 a.m. Monday, a half-hour after the Taliban say they had gotten all the prisoners safely to a house at the other end of the tunnel......

Who the hell was guarding these people, the cop from Family Matters?  Over 400 escaped!!! What a f n joke.

Easter Sunday....

I asked my 12 yr old son to walk the dog.  Tell me WHY did this child throw I tantrum like I asked him to let the Roman's crucify him?  SMH.  These kids have an unreal sense of entitlement.  Now please excuse me while I think of ways to make him miserable.

I can guess they were debating poitics but for some reason the zoom on the chair made me laugh.

They gonna find you....

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Kevin Antoine Dodson, star of a viral Internet song warning neighbors to watch out for a sexual predator, was arrested and charged with marijuana possession after being stopped for speeding, police said on Saturday.

Dodson was charged with second degree marijuana possession, speeding, failure to have liability insurance and other minor charges after police stopped him early Saturday in Huntsville, Huntsville Police spokesman Dr. Harry Hobbs told Reuters.

He was released later on Saturday after posting a $1,340 cash bond, Hobbs said.

"Let me be the first to tell it!!" Dodson tweeted to his 33,000 Twitter followers after his release. "So just got out of jail off a weak charge ... Got pulled over in my Benz and they got me ... I never been in jail except that time in grade school. You remember!!!"

Why is Antoine driving a Benz with no insurance when he can post $1,340 cash bond?

Friday Pet.

I know kids who react the same way.

Intricacies of Science

The only thing I remember from science class is that steam rises.......with that said....might I suggest  that you not pass gas while taking a hot shower.

   All I can say is that the plastic surgery made him look like a testicle with 2 eyes and a nose.....NASTY.

-_-

Now I have mixed feeling about this article I saw in the paper yesterday.....

"A 102-year-old Japanese man killed himself yesterday because he was being forced to leave his home in a newly declared danger zone around the crippled Fukushima nuclear plant.
The man was the oldest resident of Litate village — 24 miles from the plant and considered safe until the no-go zone was expanded this week — and his family was ordered to evacuate, the Jiji Press news agency said.  He was “depressed at the idea that he would have to leave his place,” the report said."

Bendito, the man survived the earthquake, tsunami and if my math is on point (which is questionable) Hiroshima and Nagasaki and yet he killed himself because he was going to have to leave his place....Dude come on how much more time did you think you had?  Stick it out.  Personally I would have been placing bets on myself to see if I made it to 105.   At the same time I know many elderly are set in their ways about things (which I will confirm when I get to that point) and let's face it - no one welcomes change in life comfortably.

Random Ish

Don't tell me the morning of, that you have a trip and need a home lunch, just grab the jar of peanut butter, a spoon and can of Vienna sausage. Next time give me some notice.

There was a time that I was meticulous about laundry. Now I don't even bother to separate the clothes. In fact my kids are lucky I just don't spray them with Febreeze on their way out the door.

If you say I look like I am gaining weight you are definitely asking for the F bomb -- chances are if you notice, so do I.

Men please note when trying to get a lady's attention: "What's happening hot stuff" does not constitute a hello and licking your dry ashy lips does not constitute a smile. PS: make sure you have at least 8 teeth in your mouth if you smile.

Thank God I was taught to respect my elders otherwise I would have just kicked the cane out from under that dusty old fossil.

Every morning my dog follows me around like I owe him money. I am pretty sure I don't.

Job Posting: Full-time position available for a person to take my place and argue with my kids - must have ability to bring up the past and throw it in their face on short notice. Guilt manipulation skills a plus. Will pay in grilled cheese sandwiches.

My son just asked me when I thought I might be able to give him $200? For what, you ask? A belt, but not just any belt. A "WWE title belt." Oh yeah, that makes a difference. Might I suggest you make your own out of recycled cans.

The apple does not fall far from the tree indeed. My son told me that Mother's Day is just a day that moms take advantage of their kids. I replied, "Baby that isn't true - now hurry and finish those dishes because the laundry is waiting."

Just witnessed a crime being committed to a pair of Spandex. Damn girl, what were you thinking when you shoved your butt in there?

Sneakers...keys...cell phone....homework.....socks..... What are things your kids can't find in the morning?

I could not wait to get out from under my parent's roof. Having a curfew was the worst. Why didn't anyone tell me that when you have kids they would also be monitoring your whereabouts by calling 6 times in an hour to ask questions, like, Where is the extra roll of toilet paper? Is Colgate the only toothpaste we have? or Why is the milk on the wrong shelf?

Sometimes I wonder if when my kids say "Mom, I told you about this like 50 times, I have been speaking about it all week." They are just messing with my head - or I am doing too good a job at tuning them out.

I love it when my kids offer suggestions on what to do with my money..... "We should get a new PC," or, "Why don't we get HBO." Note the WE pattern. How about WE get jobs.

The change guy in front of the bank asked if I "had anything for him" (as he tried to block my exit).... uh, yeah, advice, you ass - don't ask me for money especially when you are dressed better than me.

There is only so much control I have as to where my dog pees. I try to avoid nice rims, new bikes, helmets, and pretty flowers, but damn, now bushes have advocates from the piss patrol?

I never claimed or insinuated I was perfect, so if u think that, you came to that conclusion on your own. My only claim is that my crap doesn't stink.

Finding matching socks has become the bane of my existence.

I am just saying, hypothetically of course, that IF a collection agency is going to call you 5 times a day they should probably pronounce your name correctly.

Every New Year one of my resolutions is to stop swearing. Today I have come to the realization that as long as: 1. my kids live with me; 2. I have to take public transportation and 3. annoying people exist, I might as well cross that $#%* off my list.

Procrastination is best used when applied to doing laundry....

Ode to [insert name here].....

If I were a bird....I would fly over the night sky and wish on the stars .  I would glide over the lights of the city and if I saw you I would crap on your head...twice.

So not happening...

I am really flattered that people think I am a medium, but I am so not fitting into it.  On that note let me give props to Old Navy for really securing the buttons on their jeans - otherwise someone might lose an eye.

The low-rise....

What is the point of the low-rise pant?  Nobody wants to see the crack of an ass no matter how fine it is....make no mistake...I didn't say they didn't want to see your entire booty, just not the crack or the top 2 inches of the crack.  Low-rise was invented by plumbers who were tired of being teased.