Monday, February 27, 2012
The calm before the storm....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Things I hate......
1. When you are wiping your ass and you get shit on your hand.
2. When you think your fart is going to be gas/air and it's not.
3. When you think your fart will be silent.
4. When your significant other says they are confused about their feelings for you.
5. When you need to shave those hard to reach places and you are overweight.
6. When you miss that little patch of hair when you do manage to get into those hard to reach places.
7. When you think you have a particular beverage in a cup and your taste buds are shocked because it is something different.
8. When the scale in the doctors office slaps the denial right out of you.
9. When you get home and try on the outfit that in your mind looked so good on you but you can't zipper past your defensive lineman back.
10. When you are in a public place and feel like there is a huge visible booger in your nose but don't have anywhere to check and don't want to make it worse if it is still in hiding.
2. When you think your fart is going to be gas/air and it's not.
3. When you think your fart will be silent.
4. When your significant other says they are confused about their feelings for you.
5. When you need to shave those hard to reach places and you are overweight.
6. When you miss that little patch of hair when you do manage to get into those hard to reach places.
7. When you think you have a particular beverage in a cup and your taste buds are shocked because it is something different.
8. When the scale in the doctors office slaps the denial right out of you.
9. When you get home and try on the outfit that in your mind looked so good on you but you can't zipper past your defensive lineman back.
10. When you are in a public place and feel like there is a huge visible booger in your nose but don't have anywhere to check and don't want to make it worse if it is still in hiding.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Special shout out to....
Mr. GQ Diva Shmuck on the train who was leaning on my hand the whole ride and then gave me the eye like I was inconveniencing him. May you get a boil between your ass cheeks that is not quite ready to pop.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Bastards at Nike....
In my own defense I do wear Air Max and I love them but I buy 1 pair to last me a year and a half - not a pair every week. SMH
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Some Nevers
They (Justin Bieber and whoever else "they" be) say never say never but I am pretty sure there are some nevers in my life...and possibly yours as well.
I will never...
1. Win the lotto (hoping I will be proved wrong on this but being that I don't play...)
2. Be a doctor (I don't want to touch strange people parts).
3. Enjoy cleaning.
4. Run barefoot over hot coal by choice.
5. Fly a plane (and if I do I am sure you are praying this very moment you aren't on it).
6. Understand why someone would have 20 kids and be considered mentally sane.
7. Jump out of a plane (while it is grounded and going down that yellow emergency slidy thing is excluded)...fall out maybe, be pushed - it can happen but believe that person or at least of wad of their hair is going down with me.
8. Be a size zero - while alive.
9. Scuba dive in the middle of the ocean - I have no sense of direction as it is.
10. Enjoy having food stuck in my teeth.
11. Wrestle a gator.
12. Respect bullies.
13. Give up trying to be a better person.
14. Do a back somersault (oh who am I kidding I won't do a front one either).
15. Appreciate arrogance or ignorance.
16. Not love my kids (not to be confused with the occasional not like).
17. Be 100% sure the correct spelling of occasion or separate without spellcheck.
18. Drive in Nascar (although I have pushed a shopping cart through Walmart on Black Friday).
19. understand why faux pockets exist.
20. understand why people continue to make excel spreadsheets longer than legal size paper in landscape mode.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Some of my favorite words.....
Free;
50% off;
on sale;
outlet;
refurbished;
I got you a present (in that exact order);
Account settled;
Pay to the order of "my name";
Some of my least favorite words...
You owe..;
your balance due is..;
one size fits all...(who are they kidding);
convenience, processing, application, renewal, overdraft or any other word placed in front of "Fee" (not to be confused with free);
sold out...;
no longer available...;
please step on the scale...;
I now pronounce you man and wife.
50% off;
on sale;
outlet;
refurbished;
I got you a present (in that exact order);
Account settled;
Pay to the order of "my name";
Some of my least favorite words...
You owe..;
your balance due is..;
one size fits all...(who are they kidding);
convenience, processing, application, renewal, overdraft or any other word placed in front of "Fee" (not to be confused with free);
sold out...;
no longer available...;
please step on the scale...;
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What is Valentine's Day?
I don't know about St. Valentine or anything like that. Valentine's day was probably a holiday concocted by the dental community, Russell Stover and Whittman's. Maybe they felt that Easter and Halloween didn't get people through the year and another chocolate fix was needed. Hah - upon doing this blog I discovered that Russell Stover and Whittman's are one of the same....I digress.
Valentine's Day is a day to show people you love them. Now most will say they do this on a daily basis but upon deeper thought I think Valentine's Day is a day to show people that you love deeply but don't like much (e.g. your spouse or kids) that you actually do care about them and would be devastated if they weren't around to constantly irritate you.
That said, Happy Valentine's Day to my 2 boys who I love deeply but only like occasionally.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Oh Nicki
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I told you so...
There are some phrases that really ruffle my feathers when they are told to me.
One of them is "I told you so." Did you now? And when you "told me so" did I tell you to shut the fuck up? What is the point of saying "I told you so" if not to say "if you would have listened to me this would not have happened." Now let me apologize to my children because I will slip on occasion and use this on them but since they don't read my blog they are none the wiser.
Some other phrases are:
"You always do that!" Do I really? Then you shouldn't be surprised and this is a pointless discussion - next subject.
"That's what you get." Yes, that is what I got and here is what you get {insert middle finger and death stare here}.
"You never....." This kind of goes with "you always" and as such is pointless but I find it extremely irritating since my life if far from over and there is still a chance that I still may do the thing you think I never did or do. Additionally, you aren't with me 24/7 so how the fuck you know what I never do.
"Why would you do that?" Obviously to irritate the shit out of you.
"What were you thinking?" Oh I don't know maybe I wasn't thinking and if I was maybe my thoughts centered around I won't get caught.
Condescending is what it is and you can keep it to yourself.
One of them is "I told you so." Did you now? And when you "told me so" did I tell you to shut the fuck up? What is the point of saying "I told you so" if not to say "if you would have listened to me this would not have happened." Now let me apologize to my children because I will slip on occasion and use this on them but since they don't read my blog they are none the wiser.
"You always do that!" Do I really? Then you shouldn't be surprised and this is a pointless discussion - next subject.
"That's what you get." Yes, that is what I got and here is what you get {insert middle finger and death stare here}.
"You never....." This kind of goes with "you always" and as such is pointless but I find it extremely irritating since my life if far from over and there is still a chance that I still may do the thing you think I never did or do. Additionally, you aren't with me 24/7 so how the fuck you know what I never do.
"Why would you do that?" Obviously to irritate the shit out of you.
"What were you thinking?" Oh I don't know maybe I wasn't thinking and if I was maybe my thoughts centered around I won't get caught.
Condescending is what it is and you can keep it to yourself.
Technology..
With all of the technology we have today they can't come up with a better way to open a can of corn beef that doesn't involve amputating my thumb?
On my way home...
Tired and hungry and this bastard is eating Papa John's pizza right under my nose. Good thing I don't eat pizza...he is lucky his ass didn't get Chipolte or it would have been on carajo.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
This Ish really pisses me off....
I want to get all Kill Bill on these "Bleep, bleep, bleep - Bleepers."
As reported in CNN.com on January 31, 2012 By Nematullah Sarfraz
Kunduz, Afghanistan (CNN) -- Police in the northern Afghanistan province of Kunduz are looking for a man they say strangled his wife after she bore him a third child that was not a son.
Sher Mohammed, 29, married his 22-year-old wife, Storay, four years ago, police said.
The couple had three daughters, the last of whom was born three months ago, said Khanabad district police chief Sufi Habib. After the youngest daughter was born, Mohammed blamed his wife for not being able to deliver a boy, Habib said. "Finally on Saturday, the man, with the help of his mother, first beat the woman and then strangled her to death," the police chief said. Khanabad is about 50 kilometers (31 miles) from Kunduz city. Police arrested the mother, Wali Hazrata, and detained her at the Kunduz city jail. But her son fled.
In a jailhouse interview, Hazrata said her son's wife committed suicide out of guilt.
"My son did not commit the crime," Hazrata said. "... But after three daughters, Storay herself felt guilty and committed suicide." The report comes weeks after Afghan police said they rescued a 15-year-old girl who was locked up in the basement of her in-laws' house, starved, and had her nails pulled out.
The girl, Sahar Gul, was married off to a 30-year-old man last year. Authorities in northern Baghlan province said the girl reportedly was tortured after she refused to submit to prostitution.
Activists say women continue to suffer in parts of Afghanistan despite overall progress since the fall of the Taliban. In the second quarter of last year, the Afghan Independent Human Rights Commission (AIHRC) registered 1,026 cases of violence against women. In 2010, it recorded 2,700 cases.
In December, gunmen attacked and sprayed an Afghan family with acid in their home after the father rejected a man's bid to marry his teenage daughter. In another case, a 21-year-old, identified only as Gulnaz for her own protection, was sentenced to 12 years in prison after she reported that her cousin's husband had raped her. Her plight attracted international attention when it came out that she had agreed to marry her attacker to gain her freedom and legitimize a daughter conceived in the attack. She was eventually freed, following President Hamid Karzai's intervention. Horia Mosadiq, a London-based Afghan researcher for the rights group Amnesty International, said the abuse inflicted on Storay Mohammed is not an isolated instance. "Generally the human rights situation, and particularly women's rights, is deteriorating," she told CNN. "I am in constant contact with women's rights groups across the country, and they say they are seeing an increase in violence." This is in part because the Afghan government does little to implement or enforce the laws that protect women's rights, she said. She also sees it as a consequence of women across the country gaining greater awareness of their rights, which is leading both to a backlash from men and to more cases of violence being reported. On top of that, the Afghan government's move toward peace and reconciliation talks with the Taliban has led many people to think the current oppression of women will simply continue as it is, Mosadiq said. "We need to make sure that we protect the women -- it's so important that women's rights in Afghanistan are non-negotiable," she said. The alleged involvement of Storay Mohammed's mother-in-law in her abuse is not unusual, Mosadiq added, as women often play a role in violence against other women within the family, as do husbands, fathers and brothers. And there is a heavy cultural pressure to bear sons, who are viewed as the breadwinners, she said, with the birth of a daughter seen as a burden rather than something to celebrate. If the situation of Afghan women is to improve, Mosadiq said, a strong political will is needed at the government level, backed up by strong pressure from the international community. "Where (the international community) puts so much pressure and focus on a military solution, they should also think about the protection of the Afghan people and Afghan women," she said.
As reported in CNN.com on January 31, 2012 By Nematullah Sarfraz
Kunduz, Afghanistan (CNN) -- Police in the northern Afghanistan province of Kunduz are looking for a man they say strangled his wife after she bore him a third child that was not a son.
Sher Mohammed, 29, married his 22-year-old wife, Storay, four years ago, police said.
The couple had three daughters, the last of whom was born three months ago, said Khanabad district police chief Sufi Habib. After the youngest daughter was born, Mohammed blamed his wife for not being able to deliver a boy, Habib said. "Finally on Saturday, the man, with the help of his mother, first beat the woman and then strangled her to death," the police chief said. Khanabad is about 50 kilometers (31 miles) from Kunduz city. Police arrested the mother, Wali Hazrata, and detained her at the Kunduz city jail. But her son fled.
In a jailhouse interview, Hazrata said her son's wife committed suicide out of guilt.
"My son did not commit the crime," Hazrata said. "... But after three daughters, Storay herself felt guilty and committed suicide." The report comes weeks after Afghan police said they rescued a 15-year-old girl who was locked up in the basement of her in-laws' house, starved, and had her nails pulled out.
The girl, Sahar Gul, was married off to a 30-year-old man last year. Authorities in northern Baghlan province said the girl reportedly was tortured after she refused to submit to prostitution.
Activists say women continue to suffer in parts of Afghanistan despite overall progress since the fall of the Taliban. In the second quarter of last year, the Afghan Independent Human Rights Commission (AIHRC) registered 1,026 cases of violence against women. In 2010, it recorded 2,700 cases.
In December, gunmen attacked and sprayed an Afghan family with acid in their home after the father rejected a man's bid to marry his teenage daughter. In another case, a 21-year-old, identified only as Gulnaz for her own protection, was sentenced to 12 years in prison after she reported that her cousin's husband had raped her. Her plight attracted international attention when it came out that she had agreed to marry her attacker to gain her freedom and legitimize a daughter conceived in the attack. She was eventually freed, following President Hamid Karzai's intervention. Horia Mosadiq, a London-based Afghan researcher for the rights group Amnesty International, said the abuse inflicted on Storay Mohammed is not an isolated instance. "Generally the human rights situation, and particularly women's rights, is deteriorating," she told CNN. "I am in constant contact with women's rights groups across the country, and they say they are seeing an increase in violence." This is in part because the Afghan government does little to implement or enforce the laws that protect women's rights, she said. She also sees it as a consequence of women across the country gaining greater awareness of their rights, which is leading both to a backlash from men and to more cases of violence being reported. On top of that, the Afghan government's move toward peace and reconciliation talks with the Taliban has led many people to think the current oppression of women will simply continue as it is, Mosadiq said. "We need to make sure that we protect the women -- it's so important that women's rights in Afghanistan are non-negotiable," she said. The alleged involvement of Storay Mohammed's mother-in-law in her abuse is not unusual, Mosadiq added, as women often play a role in violence against other women within the family, as do husbands, fathers and brothers. And there is a heavy cultural pressure to bear sons, who are viewed as the breadwinners, she said, with the birth of a daughter seen as a burden rather than something to celebrate. If the situation of Afghan women is to improve, Mosadiq said, a strong political will is needed at the government level, backed up by strong pressure from the international community. "Where (the international community) puts so much pressure and focus on a military solution, they should also think about the protection of the Afghan people and Afghan women," she said.
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