Wednesday, June 29, 2011
WTF kind of nasty ish is this?
BLOOMINGTON, Minn. - A Minnesota woman accused of concealing a stolen mink coat in her underwear for three days pleaded guilty to a theft charge. Bloomington police said Stephanie Moreland, 46, was arrested on a felony theft charge on New Year's Eve after employees at the Alaska Fur Company accused her of stealing the short mink coat, valued at $6,500, WCCO-TV, Minneapolis, reported Wednesday. A sales associate at the store took down Moreland's license plate number and police located the woman and her car a short time later, but the only sign of the coat was an empty hanger, police said. Moreland was booked into jail and she admitted three days later to having stolen the coat, but she claimed it had already been sold. However, when told she would be taken to the Hennepin County Jail downtown, Moreland lifted up her dress and revealed the coat had been shoved into her underwear. "She had modified her underwear. She actually cut the rear of the underwear out so that from the back it appeared she was not wearing underwear and then stuffed it down the front," Bloomington Police Cmdr. Mark Stehlik said. Moreland pleaded guilty to the theft charge Monday and is due to be sentenced Aug. 8.
Oh HELL No...Death at a Funeral
This is some bullshit and why I want to be creamated. My luck I will sleep right through the procession and open my eyes when I am already underground. Fuck that. Burn me and if I was alive I am a done deal.
Friday, June 24, 2011
A confident man.
There is something about man with confidence that is very appealing. A man that is willing to approach a woman and let her know he is interested. HOWEVER, your confidence isn't worth a damn if:
you are driving a Benz but you are 87 and hooked up to an oxygen machine (unless you have your bank statement on hand - but let's face it if you were rich you would have a driver);
you are driving in a green Nova, have to sit on a phonebook to see out the front windshield - and are most likely not a citizen;
you are sitting on a milk crate in front of the corner store with a dixie cup filled with beer;
you wear socks with your mandals (you are narrowing your chances with the mandals alone);
you have a big peepee stain on your pants;
you smell like dirty ass;
your breath can kill a mocking bird;
you have no teeth...I know I always come back to this but with dental technology you should have a few;
you have a comb over (worse if it is a windy day);
you spit when you talk...a lot (also bad on a windy day);
Did I miss any?
you are driving a Benz but you are 87 and hooked up to an oxygen machine (unless you have your bank statement on hand - but let's face it if you were rich you would have a driver);
you are driving in a green Nova, have to sit on a phonebook to see out the front windshield - and are most likely not a citizen;
you are sitting on a milk crate in front of the corner store with a dixie cup filled with beer;
you wear socks with your mandals (you are narrowing your chances with the mandals alone);
you have a big peepee stain on your pants;
you smell like dirty ass;
your breath can kill a mocking bird;
you have no teeth...I know I always come back to this but with dental technology you should have a few;
you have a comb over (worse if it is a windy day);
you spit when you talk...a lot (also bad on a windy day);
Did I miss any?
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
What I remember about Kindergarten......
The scissors didn't cut.
The paste didn't stick but smelled like shit.
On Nor was a bitch.
The teacher played the piano and we sang about a black bird going through someones window (that's racist).
The biggest blocks EVER.
The smell of crayons.
The teacher's were short (well Ms. Goodman and Ms. Unterberger sure were).
The caps for our promotion ceremony were made out of construction paper - and my mother the hairstylist decided to put my hair in a beehive - good looking out mom.
Mr. Thau liked jackets with plaid and had a 2 finger fetish but the best comb over I ever saw.
The world was a scary place.....I guess some things don't change.
The paste didn't stick but smelled like shit.
On Nor was a bitch.
The teacher played the piano and we sang about a black bird going through someones window (that's racist).
The biggest blocks EVER.
The smell of crayons.
The teacher's were short (well Ms. Goodman and Ms. Unterberger sure were).
The caps for our promotion ceremony were made out of construction paper - and my mother the hairstylist decided to put my hair in a beehive - good looking out mom.
Mr. Thau liked jackets with plaid and had a 2 finger fetish but the best comb over I ever saw.
The world was a scary place.....I guess some things don't change.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Poem for Dad (Submitted by Cory)
Dad! What can I say?
You’re a father, and today is your day!
How will you spend it? Let us see!
With none other than Dineen, Sissy and me!
Not fishing, not reading, or taking in sun.
But dining with three daughters. Now that sounds like fun!
We shall talk about what a great father you are.
How you’re one of the greatest dads, by far.
With your Mathis, Bensons, and Strand book,
Your cabana shirts and a wife who don’t cook.
With your trusty mini-van that goes vroom,
And a Papi that never leaves his room.
With your right side of the bed, and those Jets.
Your missing mustache. How about those Mets?
With your Fox News, and your republican ways.
Daily calls to Emily to discuss your days.
Happy father’s day dad! You are the best.
None of us are strippers or in jail, so you’ve passed the test!
Oh, you’ll say whose your fav, but I know it’s a lie.
It’s okay, I know the truth. It’s me … Semper Fi.
You’re a father, and today is your day!
How will you spend it? Let us see!
With none other than Dineen, Sissy and me!
Not fishing, not reading, or taking in sun.
But dining with three daughters. Now that sounds like fun!
We shall talk about what a great father you are.
How you’re one of the greatest dads, by far.
With your Mathis, Bensons, and Strand book,
Your cabana shirts and a wife who don’t cook.
With your trusty mini-van that goes vroom,
And a Papi that never leaves his room.
With your right side of the bed, and those Jets.
Your missing mustache. How about those Mets?
With your Fox News, and your republican ways.
Daily calls to Emily to discuss your days.
Happy father’s day dad! You are the best.
None of us are strippers or in jail, so you’ve passed the test!
Oh, you’ll say whose your fav, but I know it’s a lie.
It’s okay, I know the truth. It’s me … Semper Fi.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
A man's perspective - and my responses!
I am not sure who wrote this. I copied it from a friend's FB note and it didn't indicate who the original creator was nor could I come across it online, however, it is worthy of reading so enjoy!
The Man Rules (AND MY REPONSES)
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear " the rules" From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.
(First and Foremost) Men are NOT mind readers.
MEN AREN'T READERS AT ALL - THEY ONLY LIKE PICTURE BOOKS.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
REGARDLESS, UP OR DOWN YOUR AIM IS OFF.
Sunday sports, It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
TRY TO MULTI TASK- WATCH SPORTS AND DUST.
Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
CRYING WORKS THAT IS WHY WE DO IT!
YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU WANT SEX.
If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
IF WE WANT HELP SOLVING IT CHANCES ARE YOU ARE THE ONE CAUSING IT AND WILL THEREFORE BE THE LAST PERSON WE WILL ASK.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
I BELIEVE RAPE HAS A 5 YEAR STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS - YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS YOUR COMMENTS WILL BE ADMISSIBLE WHENEVER WE DECIDE - IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM USED THEN DON'T SAY THEM!
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
YOU ARE THE REASON WE ARE FAT.
You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON'T DO WHAT WE ASK AND IF YOU DO YOU DO IT INCORRECTLY ON PURPOSE - SO THEREFORE IN THE END WE USUALLY DO IT OURSELVES OR BITCH ABOUT IT. DO IT WHEN WE ASK AND DO IT CORRECTLY. [PLEASE NOTE THAT THE DEFINITION OF CORRECTLY IS THE WAY WE WANT IT DONE].
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
SAME RULES APPLY WHEN WE ARE WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL OR GREY'S ANATOMY.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
THE PRICE OF GAS HAS GONE UP SINCE CHRIS WENT SAILING SO UNLESS YOU ARE RICH STOP AND ASK OR USE YOUR SMART PHONE FOR SOMETHING SMART AND NOT JUST TO FORWARD PICS OF MIDGETS MUD WRESTLING.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD.
IF it itches IT WILL be scratched. We do that.
YES AND DOGS LICK THEIR PARTS DURING A KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY - THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE AND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
NOTHING MEANS YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW AND YOU PROBABLY ARE THE CAUSE. FIGURE IT OUT - TRY USING YOUR SMARTPHONE.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
YOU ARE STUPID.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
Or Hockey
FYI - WE ASK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING BUT WE REALLY DON'T CARE SO IF YOU WANT SEX THE CORRECT ANSWER WOULD BE "I AM THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE."
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
YOU HAVE 2000 TOOLS AND CAN'T CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape
WE PREFER THE SHAPE OF A DIAMOND.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
WE SHALL KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN GOING TO THE IN-LAWS FUNERAL IN SWEATS.
Thank you for reading this..Yes, we know we're sleeping on the couch, But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
YES AND WHILE YOU ARE DOING THAT WE ARE HIDING THE REMOTE.
The Man Rules (AND MY REPONSES)
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear " the rules" From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.
(First and Foremost) Men are NOT mind readers.
MEN AREN'T READERS AT ALL - THEY ONLY LIKE PICTURE BOOKS.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
REGARDLESS, UP OR DOWN YOUR AIM IS OFF.
Sunday sports, It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
TRY TO MULTI TASK- WATCH SPORTS AND DUST.
Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
CRYING WORKS THAT IS WHY WE DO IT!
YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU WANT SEX.
If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
IF WE WANT HELP SOLVING IT CHANCES ARE YOU ARE THE ONE CAUSING IT AND WILL THEREFORE BE THE LAST PERSON WE WILL ASK.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
I BELIEVE RAPE HAS A 5 YEAR STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS - YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS YOUR COMMENTS WILL BE ADMISSIBLE WHENEVER WE DECIDE - IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM USED THEN DON'T SAY THEM!
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
YOU ARE THE REASON WE ARE FAT.
You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON'T DO WHAT WE ASK AND IF YOU DO YOU DO IT INCORRECTLY ON PURPOSE - SO THEREFORE IN THE END WE USUALLY DO IT OURSELVES OR BITCH ABOUT IT. DO IT WHEN WE ASK AND DO IT CORRECTLY. [PLEASE NOTE THAT THE DEFINITION OF CORRECTLY IS THE WAY WE WANT IT DONE].
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
SAME RULES APPLY WHEN WE ARE WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL OR GREY'S ANATOMY.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
THE PRICE OF GAS HAS GONE UP SINCE CHRIS WENT SAILING SO UNLESS YOU ARE RICH STOP AND ASK OR USE YOUR SMART PHONE FOR SOMETHING SMART AND NOT JUST TO FORWARD PICS OF MIDGETS MUD WRESTLING.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD.
IF it itches IT WILL be scratched. We do that.
YES AND DOGS LICK THEIR PARTS DURING A KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY - THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE AND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
NOTHING MEANS YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW AND YOU PROBABLY ARE THE CAUSE. FIGURE IT OUT - TRY USING YOUR SMARTPHONE.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
YOU ARE STUPID.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
Or Hockey
FYI - WE ASK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING BUT WE REALLY DON'T CARE SO IF YOU WANT SEX THE CORRECT ANSWER WOULD BE "I AM THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE."
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
YOU HAVE 2000 TOOLS AND CAN'T CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape
WE PREFER THE SHAPE OF A DIAMOND.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
WE SHALL KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN GOING TO THE IN-LAWS FUNERAL IN SWEATS.
Thank you for reading this..Yes, we know we're sleeping on the couch, But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
YES AND WHILE YOU ARE DOING THAT WE ARE HIDING THE REMOTE.
Friday, June 3, 2011
There are times.....
When really stupid ish comes out of my mouth. Case in point.
I said to someone "yeah, he didn't look good at all." [pause....]
Ummm, his ass was in a coffin how the fuck he is suppose to look. SMH - Bendeja.
Jeremy and I were on the train platform. There was a gentleman there that had a crutch and one leg substantially shorter than the other....Jeremy looks at me and says "Mom, what's wrong with him?"....I respond with "I think it has something to do with his leg.".......[Jeremy stares at me with an expression of awe and says "Really?????"]
I said to someone "yeah, he didn't look good at all." [pause....]
Ummm, his ass was in a coffin how the fuck he is suppose to look. SMH - Bendeja.
Jeremy and I were on the train platform. There was a gentleman there that had a crutch and one leg substantially shorter than the other....Jeremy looks at me and says "Mom, what's wrong with him?"....I respond with "I think it has something to do with his leg.".......[Jeremy stares at me with an expression of awe and says "Really?????"]
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