1. If you have braces you shouldn't eat cheese-doodles (crunchy or otherwise).
2. If you have the misfortune of having smoke emanate from your thighs while you are wearing poom poom shorts......you shouldn't be wearing them.
3. In a pair of sandals - the pinky toe should never be isolated from the others.
4. Once in a while, everyone should invite someone for a cup of coffee/tea..(bacardi)...[BTW-I am free tonight :D].
5. Garlic breath isn't as bad as dirty ass breath.
6. Body odor is never good (refer to dirty ass in #5).
7. Picking out a wedgie when no one is looking is almost impossible.
8. If you aren't on a swim team you should not wear speedos (the polar bear club is not a swim team).
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
"Can we talk as friends?"
'Hi, can we talk as friends?"......Ummmm - you call when you need, you disappear, you dropped every responsibility you had as a dad on my lap, and whenever I need to speak to you about something offspring related you are nowhere to be found.....no you ass (and I am really refraining) we can not talk as friends. We can talk as 2 people who have kids together that we both love (although the way we show our love for our kids is obviously different) and therefore I will be mature (well semi mature).....but no we can not talk as friends and for future reference DON'T start a conversation with me using that sentence. I take my friendships seriously.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Ode to Arnold Schwarzenegger....
May Maria wipe you clean and take your cash,
may your balls develop a smelly itchy rash,
I wish the love child lots of luck
because his father the "sperminator" is a schmuck.
may your balls develop a smelly itchy rash,
I wish the love child lots of luck
because his father the "sperminator" is a schmuck.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pet Peeves.
I have several pet peeves and in fact have been guilty of committing some of these offenses. The difference is that when I do then they don't bother me.
1. The stopper - the person who just stops where ever they are. In a doorway, flight of stairs, middle of a busy sidewalk, for whatever reason they stop.
2. The wanderer - you have got all the time in the world so you are humming while you SLOWLY amble to your destination.
If you happen to do either of these in front of someone - who let's say may work for a company where lateness is considered a felony; or in the middle of a state of emergency you will know what it feels like to have someone who weighs between 150 lbs - 176 ish (give or take) treat you like a treadmill with sweets hanging in the front of it. Your ass is going to get trampled on by what feels like a hurd of Mexicans running from Immigration.
3. MTA Procrastinator - This is the person who has no friggin idea where the hell they are going and stop in the middle of the train doors while you stand behind and watch someone else take the seat you were eyeing. Get the fuck out the way puneta.
4. The Leaner – MTA thing again. The train is fairly crowded and you are holding on to the pole. This shit wants to lean their nasty ass wet wool coat on your hand and while I am on the topic if you don't have your metrocard ready why the fuck you standing in front of the turnstile? Again, get the fuck out the way.
5. Conversationalist - the on e who stops in the middle of the sidewalk to talk shit on their cell using all kinds of hand gestures like the person on the other end of the line can see them. Double fuck if they do it on the stairway going into the train station.
6. Elevator stopper - Get the fuck off or on but don't keep the door from closing to discuss some bullshit with the ass who works one floor above AND while we are on the topic when the doors open move the fuck out the way so people can get off. (Notice the common denominator in #s 1-5)
7. The mountain out of a molehill - you picked the phone up after 2 rings instead of 3 so this person has an aneurism and gets all flustered. Calm the fuck down and get away from me with that bullshit.
8. Pretender – the one who acts like they don't know where the towels are (even though they been living in the same house for like 15 years) or that they don't know how to put paper in the printer at work – you make over $500 an hour dumbass.
9. Uncustomer Service – If you work in customer service don't catch a damn attitude with me because you have to do your job – I usually wait until I get what I need before I get a little "Magda" on them.
10. The Teacher – The one who is always telling you some negative shit about your kids even though she/he doesn't have any of their own. "I think your child has issues, he doesn't listen." "Um his ass don't listen to me either WTF. I am only feeding him until he is old enough to be sent out into the wild."
1. The stopper - the person who just stops where ever they are. In a doorway, flight of stairs, middle of a busy sidewalk, for whatever reason they stop.
2. The wanderer - you have got all the time in the world so you are humming while you SLOWLY amble to your destination.
If you happen to do either of these in front of someone - who let's say may work for a company where lateness is considered a felony; or in the middle of a state of emergency you will know what it feels like to have someone who weighs between 150 lbs - 176 ish (give or take) treat you like a treadmill with sweets hanging in the front of it. Your ass is going to get trampled on by what feels like a hurd of Mexicans running from Immigration.
3. MTA Procrastinator - This is the person who has no friggin idea where the hell they are going and stop in the middle of the train doors while you stand behind and watch someone else take the seat you were eyeing. Get the fuck out the way puneta.
4. The Leaner – MTA thing again. The train is fairly crowded and you are holding on to the pole. This shit wants to lean their nasty ass wet wool coat on your hand and while I am on the topic if you don't have your metrocard ready why the fuck you standing in front of the turnstile? Again, get the fuck out the way.
5. Conversationalist - the on e who stops in the middle of the sidewalk to talk shit on their cell using all kinds of hand gestures like the person on the other end of the line can see them. Double fuck if they do it on the stairway going into the train station.
6. Elevator stopper - Get the fuck off or on but don't keep the door from closing to discuss some bullshit with the ass who works one floor above AND while we are on the topic when the doors open move the fuck out the way so people can get off. (Notice the common denominator in #s 1-5)
7. The mountain out of a molehill - you picked the phone up after 2 rings instead of 3 so this person has an aneurism and gets all flustered. Calm the fuck down and get away from me with that bullshit.
8. Pretender – the one who acts like they don't know where the towels are (even though they been living in the same house for like 15 years) or that they don't know how to put paper in the printer at work – you make over $500 an hour dumbass.
9. Uncustomer Service – If you work in customer service don't catch a damn attitude with me because you have to do your job – I usually wait until I get what I need before I get a little "Magda" on them.
10. The Teacher – The one who is always telling you some negative shit about your kids even though she/he doesn't have any of their own. "I think your child has issues, he doesn't listen." "Um his ass don't listen to me either WTF. I am only feeding him until he is old enough to be sent out into the wild."
Monday, May 9, 2011
Really......
You are blaming your mother because she only woke you up once this morning and you didn't get up? Since she wakes you up every day it is HER responsibility to make sure you get up. Really? How much more are mothers responsible for? You can't find socks, your keys or you don't have enough change for the bus and this is HER fault....did I mention said individual is 19? Give me a damn break.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A Poem for Mommy (submitted by Cory)
I Love My Mommy
I love my mommy
Big or small
Winter, spring, summer, fall
I love my mommy
Day or night
Getting along, or when we fight
I love my mommy
With her flame red hair
And I love her gray
I love it when she covers lunch
But the tip, I have to pay
I love my mommy
Thick or thin
Casual or fancy
When she wants her hair colored
She should ask in advancey
I love my mommy
She’s got a lot of sass
I love her chicken with onion in the ass
I love my mommy
On this you can bet!
Whether she smells of yarn or cigarette
And on this very special day
I declare
I love my mommy in every way
Friday, May 6, 2011
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