Are you serious?

I tend to say this frequently, often in really dumb moments but for some reason I am more annoyed when other people say it to me.

Case in point. I am hearing impaired - which means my hearing is impaired.  So when you are talking to me the conversation may go something like this...

Child: "Ma - mumble, mumble, mumble."
Me: "What?"
Child: "mumble, mumble, mumble."
Me: [moving closer] "Huh?"
Child: [very loudly while sucking his teeth] "Are you serious?"
Me: "Why the fuck wouldn't I be serious?  You think I have nothing better to do than stand here and say what and huh?  Speak the fuck up."

another example of this would be:

Me: "Did you hear so and so passed away?"
Person: "Are you serious?"
Me: [blank stare..]


There are just times that "Are you serious?" doesn't fit - and again I am guilty as well, with that said, here are some other responses you may consider using (and by all means add some in if you have any):

O*M*G (I think this is the one child above should have considered.)
You shitting me?
Please, don't tell me that.
Damn, that is messed up.
Oh No!
No way!
How?
Really?

Random Ish and Other Nonsense.

Do you!

One of my biggest issues is taking care of me.  I always worry more about how the other person that I care about is going to feel if I set a boundary or just feel like doing me.  The funny thing is - those people don't have the same issue and then when they do them you are thinking to yourself "I am an idiot."

The bottom line is you have to live for you.  If you don't feel like going somewhere or doing something say it.  If you don't feel like inviting certain people to a particular event then don't (weddings should probably be excluded).  It is important to be kind and considerate of others but that doesn't mean you should alter your own wants and actions because how it is going to make them feel.  Their feelings belong to them and are theirs to deal with.

Let's practice: "It isn't that I don't love you I just don't want to see you mug this weekend."
ok maybe that isn't the way to go....

How about: "I am sorry - I was planning on just doing me this weekend."
or "Hey hun, I just wanted to let you know that I made plans the week of Spring break to be with my girls."

There is nothing wrong with doing you.  With that said, if I happen to mention that I am doing me at a particular time it isn't that I don't love you it is just that I want to do something else with someone else and well - you aren't invited.

As you can see....

I started messing with my blog layout this morning - couldn't leave well enough alone.  In any case - being that I actually do have a job that I need to get ready for this current layout will have to do for now but I am still working on it. By all means please feel free to give me some design pointers.

Works well under pressure...

I think I should change the part of my resume that says "works well under pressure" to "will get the job done under pressure but will have anxiety while doing it."

He said....She said

He: "This house needs to be cleaned."

She: "I'm waiting for you to leave."

He: "I just got in."

She: "I meant permanently."

He: "I love you."

She: "I love you too. Can you do the dishes?"

He: "I actually meant I really like you."

He: "I am not ready to commit."

She: "Then why are you still in my bed? Get the fuck out - and next time bring cash or jewelry."

He: "Do you know where the remote is?"

She: "Yup......"

He: "Well...."

She: "The dishes are still there."

She: "I can't understand why you like watching wrestling.  It's so fake."

He: "It's entertaining."

[She looks toward flatscreen and sees Randy Orton in HIGH DEFINITION.]

She: "Sweet baby Jesus, I see what you mean - scoot over." 

[In the club yelling over the music.]

He: "Baby you are so fine."

She: "I have 4 kids."

[Insert trail of smoke.]

Helloooooo?

You haven't bought or downloaded the book yet - what are you waiting for?  You are going to love it -and if you don't give it as a gift to someone you dislike.

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I don't call the shots...

I obviously don't call the shots in this crazy world but from a bystander point of view I can't help but want to scream "That's not fair!"

Now my ex and I had a conversation the other day and I told him you know "that isn't fair" and this pendejo responded with "Well Sis, life isn't fair."

Yeah you know what? It isn't.  There are people who go through too much struggle and pain.  There are people who have to bury their children.  There are amazing individuals who have passed on before there time (again not my call but my point of view) and then there are the others....

What do I mean by others?
The ones who don't do shit with there lives but contemplate how to get over on others.  The lazy, schemers, greedy and selfish.  The ones who are malicious and bitter (maybe I shouldn't add bitter to this mix or narrow it down to so bitter it becomes evil).  The ones who have abused their minds and bodies with every substance under the sun and still manage to have another breath each morning.  The ones who cause physical, emotional and mental anguish on those that are weaker (or believe they are weaker).

I so wish - and will continue to pray to the God of my understanding - for the unwavering faith I see in many going through deep emotional, mental and physical pain.  It is humbling how these people don't ever question their God and trust in absolutely everything he chooses for them - I am so far from that.  I hope to keep adding a bit of oxygen to the little spark of hope I have in me that it will someday grow larger and stronger.

I heard yesterday that a woman in her late 30s passed away suddenly.  She is from the area and we have some mutual friends.  I didn't know her but she had 2 young children and I can't help but want to scream it again "That's not fair!"  But again, I don't call the shots.

Make this day count people.  Laugh at something, anything.  Love something, anything.  Just live and be thankful.

Metronome shoes

I absolutely appreciate hot beautiful shoes.  Metronomeshoes.com is one of my favorite sites to browse through.  Their shoes are affordable and stunning but I am not even going to front, I can't walk in them.  Don't mistake not being able to walk in them for not being able to lean up against the wall or sit with my legs crossed looking sexy as all get out (while my Dr. Scholls foldable flats are in my wristlet) but I am not walking, commuting, evacuating during a state of emergency in them.

Case in point.  Yesterday there was a very nicely dressed young (toothpick thin) lady walking (and I am using this term loosely) in these FABULOUS shoes.  No question about it these shoes were friggin gorgeous.  Black leather platform pumps with leopard print soles, however each of her ankles was wobbling like they had minds of their own and she was using her man's arm for support.  Did I mention his ass had on sneakers?  Irrelevent fact: I think they were white Lacoste.

There are very few women who can really walk in these contraptions (Jessica Simpson - even while pregnant pulls this off).  I am not sure if the makers actually intend for you to walk in them let alone trot up and down steps of the train station, jumping over puddles and potholes - unless you are doing a Sex in the City shoot.

I myself have walked into poles, slipped and tripped while in flats (I am sure some fucker will eventually catch me and will post it on youtube).  I try to comfort myself by saying I can't pull this off because I am overweight and my poor toes are not meant to take all the pressure of this 160 lb body - ok FINE 185 lb body.  Maybe that is indeed the case but girlfriend yesterday had to weigh about 90 lbs with 20 rolls of quarters on her and she was not pulling it off.

The point is - oh hell there is no point...if shoe makers brought the heels and platforms down a notch I don't know that they would be so hot but I really would like them to try.

What can I say....

Fart Sound Board

Maturity isn't my strong point.

Eyes are the windows to the soul....

and some are better left with shades on.

Faux....

Please enlighten me as to the point of the "faux" pocket and while I am on the subject explain the thought behind the pocket on pants that's barely large enough for a nickel (let alone your finger to get it out).

Not snow:

Oh HELL NO. My ass would be moving the fuck out of Austrailia - I don't care how fine Hugh Jackman is.

Not snow: SPIDER WEBS blanket Australian countryside - NYPOST.com

It will be an interesting day..

At least that is what the ass crack of the hefty man in the train told me.  Smh...

How do you know?

That if you jump out of a high rise window you will die before you hit the ground!  Personally I didn't think the jump killed you but the landing and if it is indeed the jump then how come skydivers land in one piece?

That no 2 snowflakes are alike - scientific or not how the hell can we say when there is still snow that has yet to fall from the sky. 

That you were saved!  Just wondering how good of a source did you get it from.  Like the serial killers who were saved in prison...isn't the priest an inmate also and if not reallly how reliable are priests these days?

The proof is in the pudding.  Who the fuck puts proof in pudding?  I heard of 80 proof in Jello shots but not pudding.

That you are going to hell in a hand basket and that you will burn for eternity when you get there.  I have been told this on several of an occasion.  First off, my fat ass is not fitting in no hand basket, or any basket for that matter. Second, who took this trip because I have yet to see any pics of the Travelocity Gnome there.

I am not saying any of this isn't true, I am just asking how you know…

I know....

‎"I know"....really - do you? Because every time I tell you to do shit you say you know and you still don't do it. 

E.g.

Child: "My phone is dead"

Me: "Ok - put it to charge"

Child: "I know"

Next day:

Child: "I am going to school without my phone because it is dead"

[long sigh]

Me: "PUT IT TO CHARGE"

Child: "I know"

I wonder how said child would feel if I said I know I have to pay the internet bill and didn't.