Brave and Courageous...

I look back on 2014 and can't believe all the change that has occurred in my life.  It seems like it was years ago that I left the home I knew for over 20 years, the neighborhood I resided in for 44 years, my job of 16 years and the immediate family that I was accustomed to having a mere arms length away to move cross country - but it has only been about 4 months.

I got married, picked up and relocated - something I could have never imagined myself doing.  I was never going to remarry or leave the city and people I loved - but I did.  This is what I have learned is part of being a military spouse.  I think about the families who have been doing this for years and am in utter awe of them.  I struggle with the adjustment of a city life where everything was at my finger tips to having to drive to do just about everything (especially when driving was not something I did and in fact feared - still do at times - although having a 90 minute commute to and from work has helped to subside that fear).

You don't know how brave or courageous you are until you have no choice but to be both.  

I look at my 16 year old in amazement as he started as a junior in a new high school, in a new state and didn't blink.  I would have been sick to my stomach - and in fact was terrified for him on his first day.

My husband is a pro at all this and takes it in stride.  He has calmed my nerves and his steadfast support has really helped with the entire transition.

Some people may not see any of this as a big deal but for me it was huge.  I am a creature of habit and breaking out of all that I was use to was terrifying.  It is interesting how other people react to the changes you as an individual are experiencing as well.  I found myself on more than one occasion sitting with myself and saying "you are going to be fine."  The what ifs wouldn't leave me alone.  What if this wasn't the right choice, the right move, the right path?  The little voice in my head kept saying why is it about right or wrong?  Why not just life challenges and experiences?  Thankfully, I knew enough about myself to know that I had to step out of my comfort zone and live life as it was meant to be lived.  To challenge myself and take a chance on the unknown. How will you know if you don't try?  So try I did.  I have good days and lonely days.  I miss what was comfortable but try to give myself credit for being courageous – I have always been the type to minimize my accomplishments but today I am going to say it.  I was brave and courageous.  I had to let go of people, places and things to take this step and I did and little by little one day, one step and one moment at a time I am living this life that has been gifted to me.



  

  

Overwhelmed...

This is what happens when you have too much to do. There is so much going on in your life that your emotions and thoughts are in overload.  There is just too much on your plate and not enough resources, time, finances, energy just not enough.

It is said (and quite often I might add) that God only gives you what you can handle.  This doesn't mean that you won't feel overwhelmed or brought down to your knees in tears - it means that he knows you can handle whatever is going on...YOU GOT THIS!  

Are there times when you want to say "No God - I don't got this!"  "I don't want this!"  "Give me something else!" Yes - there are those times but God help me - I know it could be worse, so very much worse.  So I will allow myself these moments of being overwhelmed.  I will trust in the God of my understanding that I can handle this and be extremely grateful that I have the abundance of blessing that I do around me.  I will force myself to be grateful - because I should and have every reason to be.

If you are feeling overwhelmed - you are not alone.  It is ok to give in to the feelings that being overwhelmed brings - just don't stay there. Ok? You will get through this!  I have faith in you - have faith in yourself. It is ok to ask for help also - you may not get it but ask anyway.  Step away if you need to. Just for a moment - it will allow you to rebuild and recharge.  

Deep breath - inhale - exhale - a few more times with your eyes closed.
Ok, now back to life.

Change...

There are a lot of changes going on in my life.  All good but stressful nonetheless.  I have lost sight of the good and have allowed the stress to dominate.  Lucky for me I took a class today given by Chrissy Scivicque of Eatyourcareer.com.  Pretty good stuff and although the class was about perception, opportunity and perspective in you career it applied 100% to my personal life as well.

Chrissy talked about stretching yourself out of your comfort zone and allowing growth to happen.  She talked about taking responsibility of your career (and your life). If only she knew that in a few months I will be embarking on one of the greatest adventures of my life.

Here are some of the things that I carried with me when I walked out the class:

1. It is about progress not perfection - this has always been one of my favorites - give yourself credit for what you have accomplished - don't minimize because it wasn't done to perfection [perfection is overrated].

2. Having a breakdown can be a window to a breakthrough - love this.  It means next time I lock myself in the bathroom crying I can not just focus on the emotional but also look to see what I can learn about me.

3. Begin with the End in Mind - S. Covey.  - See yourself where you want to be and figure out how to get there. Not getting there isn't an option.

4. Recognize your value - Choose to see the value in what you do and who you are.

Chrissy offers a lot of inspiration, wisdom and thought provoking words, really glad I had an opportunity to hear them.

Life isn't Rose Garden....

   I haven't blogged in minute but was inspired to do so today.

   There have been a lot of changes going on in my life and there are still more to come.  I am excited, happy, scared, worried and alive.

   My life isn't just a garden of roses.  It also has lilies, daisies, chrysanthemums (yeah I had to google that) as well as thorns and weeds.  All and all it is my garden with a variety good and difficult areas.

   I never quite understood the type of person who enjoys when someone fails or waits for the moment when someone is down to say "I saw that coming" or "I told you so."  Truthfully, I am probably guilty of saying that at times.  How fucked up of me - time for some self reflection on why.

   I am comfortable and content with where I am right now.  I am still on my learning path and I don't expect it to always be smooth but at least I know I accept where I am, what happens and the work I am doing to better myself as a person, mom, daughter, friend, sister and woman.  It is about progress not perfection and I know I have made mistakes and will continue to do so. I can go to sleep accepting accountability for them.

  Don't you hate when you are so busy looking around at what is going on around you that you don't even know you stepped in shit?  Maybe you should go clean off your shoes, then again, maybe you are comfortable standing in shit.
 

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Believe in your dreams...

The people who love you want you to succeed.  They may not see eye to eye with you and may in fact not have a belief in your goal but that doesn't matter.  As long as they love you unconditionally, give you a positive flow and space to fall and/or grow with a little dignity.  So if you know someone with a dream, let them know you believe in them....as long as they know that the dream is not in lieu of responsibilities but in addition too. 

It also is an amazing feeling when you can look back and say "you see I told you I would do it!" and they are humble enough to say you were right.  

Here is your list of required school supplies.....

Every year I get a school supply list and most of the time the same crap is on it.
Loose-leaf paper
Composition Notebooks
Subject Dividers
Folder
Pens & Pencils
Pencil Sharpner
Pencil Case

And every year I see the same items not being used.  My kid never has the pens I bought but always ones he finds in class. The case is usually found mid-school year under the bed - with the unused pencil sharpener. Last year's composition notebooks are only half filled. Subject dividers are not used because he has 5 different composition notebooks and has a tendency to shove the sheets in any available folder - no matter what it is labeled.

Then my kid wonders why I just cut out the first half of last year's English composition notebook to use this year.  Went through all the old binders and accumulated a stack of unused loose-leaf paper….Staples was charging $5 for a 500 sheet pack….Oh hell no.

"Damn ma – you have me going in as a sophomore like this?"
He is lucky I don't send him in with a tablet and chalk or a bucket of dirt and a stick.

Go earn that scholarship baby!  

Not everyone likes broccoli...

Some people love broccoli, I happen to be one of them.  I also like carrots and brussel sprouts, although I am not a big fan of celery or cucumbers.  While broccoli may offer certain nutrients celery may offer others. The point is everyone is different. Situations that anger some may amuse others.  Two kids can grow up in the same household and remember the past differently.  It is what makes us human. We are not PCs where we all can get an anti virus and operate the same way.  Our senses (and life experiences) allow us to have different thoughts, perceptions and reactions to what we see, taste, smell, hear (or in my case not hear) and feel.

Keep an open mind to those around you. If you choose not to do something give someone else that same right.  Let them choose. 

Some children like to read others like to draw.  Do we tell the one who draws that they should draw less and read more because it is better for them? 

The fact is I love broccoli and that is what I choose to eat.  Kudos to you on your fondness for celery - I promise if I see you munching on a stalk I won't say ewwww that is disgusting (unless you dipped it in shit - in which case I may say it in my head, turn away and possibly gag).   I may even be open to a suggestion you have on how celery can be incorporated into different meals (I will eat it if it's in soup) but please don't constantly reiterate to me how much better celery is for me than broccoli.

What motivates you...

Nothing more motivating than desperation!  You are motivated to get out of bed if you have to pee really bad.  You will run really fast if you are being chased....unless you are being chased by someone you want to get caught by...let's say hypothetically speaking Channing Tatum (in which case the chase may have just been reversed)...I digress.

I look at my home and see a wreck.  I want it to be clean but I don't feel motivated to clean it....unless someone calls and announces they will be there in 15 minutes - at this point every closet becomes a junk refuge.

I get these brief (like a blink) spurts of motivation.  I get an idea and I want to make it happen...but I want it to happen like now not so much later.  With that said I have a great Movie pitch....so anyone from let's say Happy Madison Productions or some other production is interested shoot me a message. Oh hell I might as well get it all out there.  I also have an idea for an animated short, which can lead to something long term - I promise this is better than my idea for a camel toe guard - although I still stand by the need for the elimination of camel toe, hoof foot & ball toe. 

Point is I am currently in the middle of my motivational blink.  I am taking steps and reaching for more.  Who's with me?

Control = Stress

There are just some things in life that we can't control. In fact most things fall under this category. How frustrating it must be to want to force a block in a circle hole. I use to be one of those people. If things didn't go exactly my way or how I felt they should go there will be hell to pay for anyone in my path. I am thankful that I am no longer like that. No doubt I get frustrated and will give my self a nice dose of anxiety but inevitably I know that there are just some things, circumstances and people I have no control over. If control festers in your blood stream and you need everything mapped out accordingly you will make yourself crazy because it is an illusion. You just think you have control. Let it go - Is it uncomfortable? Hell yeah but there is also a peace you find in acceptance of things and of life. It doesn't mean you don't express how you feel or that you like the way things turn out - it just means you realize that it is what it is.

 “You must learn to let go. Release the stress.
You were never in control anyway.”
                                    ― Steve Maraboli  

Appreciation vs. Gratitude

Have you ever watched the face of someone you unexpectedly helped? It seems like a combination of relief, humility and appreciation.  Be grateful that you are in a position to help. To listen...to do whatever you can to assist a person's needs. 

On my way to work today I saw an elderly couple. It was humbling that the husband and wife were struggling to get her walker on the sidewalk.  I was running late (actually writing this as I wait for the train knowing it will be a late mark against me but such is my life..I digress) but without hesitation went there and assisted her keep her balance with one hand while with my other hand helped lift the walker on the sidewalk.  They both kept saying thank you. I just smiled and told them to enjoy their day.  I walked away thinking thank you...thank you for reminding me of all I have to be grateful for and for the smile and light in your eyes.

God willing we will all be there someday.  Offer someone some unexpected help and even if you don't see appreciation feel gratitude for being able to make that offer and when someone offers you help unexpected or not - be appreciative - because it was their choice to do so.

A 20 is a 20...

Whether it is covered in shit or crisp and clean at $20 has the same value.  So do people!  Whether they come from high end neighborhoods or projects they have the same value.

What other people think of me....

Is none of my business.

That is one of the hardest mantras for me to remember yet it is very simple to understand.  I cannot control what other people choose to believe or think about me.  That is actually one of the amazing things about life - to come to your own conclusions on how you feel about a circumstance, a person, a tv show.  Everyone has their own thought process.  It doesn't mean what they think or choose to think is wrong or right - but it belongs to them.

Can it be hurtful? Yes - especially when you seem to see so very clearly what they do not.  They however feel it is the other way around.  Does it matter? It does not and if it does there is still very little you can do to change a mind that has already been made up.

Acceptance is the key (so I have been told).  Accept that no matter what you have done, choose to do, have thought about doing and have said that there are just some people out there who will never understand who you are and have already made up their mind about you.  They are entitled to that thought...just like you are also entitled to believe that some of those very people are idiots who should live their own lives.

If it ends today...

If it all ended today could you look yourself in the mirror and say that up until this point you have been the best you possible?  What is your version of being the best you possible?

I can honestly say yes I can.  My best version of me is being someone who can acknowledge past wrongs and choices even though they can't be changed.  Trying to learn along the way and forgiving myself my errors. Giving myself patience and understanding, the same amount I would give a friend or family member.  Trying my best not to pass judgment, especially when I am angry or hurt, whether for myself or someone I love. Not always easy when you see someone you love being hurt, sometimes downright impossible. 

We have all been on either side of the coin.  Don't presume to know someones thought process or reasoning - just know that is what is working for them right now.  Live your life.  Own what is yours. Accept accountability for your actions and let others do the same.

Random Ish & Other Nonsense

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Insight....

At the age of eight I would steal my mother’s small personal items and give them to girls in school so that they would like me and be my friend.  I don’t know what made me do this but looking back I can see that much of my life carried a similar pattern.

 

As years progressed I learned to act the way people wanted me to act and say what they wanted to hear.  Making my own decisions and having my own opinion was foreign.  I felt that I was everything wrong and ugly.  My marriage was full of drugs, drama and lies.  My day to day activities were performed in mechanical mode.  I acted as if everything in my life was fine, it hurt too much to admit it wasn't.  No one suspected otherwise, or maybe they did and just didn't say anything.  I had become that woman, the one that people talk about by saying "why doesn't she just leave?" or "she must like being treated that way if she stays."  The woman most people see as weak and pathetic.  I had perfected silencing my conscious with denial, this was how I lived my life.

In February 1992, at the age of 23, I gave birth to my son.  He was beautiful, innocent and completely dependent on me. One morning I was kneeling in the shower sobbing.  Crying and self-loathing was as common to me as breathing.  I was drained and tired of hurting.  I didn’t want to be this type of mother to my son.  My obligation to him gave me the courage to make a change and take chance on me.

Standing in front of an audience naked is the only way I can describe the fear and humiliation I associated with taking this step but I was drained and tired of pretending. I sat at my desk that morning and called a local clinic.  I was terrified of being overheard.  It felt like I was admitting I had an STD.  I whispered that I wanted to make an appointment with a therapist and was told I had to see a psychiatrist first.  I wondered how they knew just how screwed up I was. 

Several people in my life had made their feelings about therapy clear.  I kept hearing their voices:

“You don’t need therapy all you need is prayer and the good word of the Lord.”

“Therapists just try to control your mind and milk insurance companies.”

“Therapists are for crazy people.”

I dreaded them finding out but I dreaded continuing living this way more.

The appointment with the psychiatrist was a formality but I felt scared and exposed.  I don't remember his name.  I only know that he began asking me routine questions:  "Do any of your body parts move involuntarily?" (Apparently, this really happens.)  "Do you feel like you want to harm yourself?"  "No, but I often have the urge to hit my husband with a frying pan while he sleeps and hide so that he thinks he is dreaming."

These feelings are, surprisingly, not uncommon and did not qualify me as mentally ill but normal with a touch of slightly crazy.  He continued "Do you hear voices?"  "Only the one that never has anything nice to say about me and frankly I am tired of her."  All of the questions were basic until this one particular question.  "What are your needs?"  I remember looking at the doctor and saying "What?"  The psychiatrist put his pen down, leaned back in his chair, looked at me and repeated the question.  Imagine living in your own body for 23 years and not even know that you are entitled to have needs and have them met.  It was a revelation.

That question started the process of peeling through layers of lies, hurt and resentment that had consumed me for so many years.  I realized I was more than just someone's wife, mother, daughter or sister.  I was not put on this earth solely to be of service to others.  My value as a human being would not diminish if I took care of myself.

It is said that knowing is half the battle but in my case knowing was the first day of a 15 year boot camp.  Loving myself immediately was unrealistic.  I had to take baby steps by showing myself compassion and ignoring the voice in my head that kept saying I wasn't good enough or worthy of love.  I had to learn how to put my needs before others and set boundaries.  On paper this seems like a tidy task but I assure you it wasn't. 

Forming my own opinions and learning to trust my instinct, while battling low self-esteem, felt like crawling up a mud mountain during a downpour.  Accepting that I did not have to give every ounce of myself as a declaration of love aroused feelings of guilt and fear.  Simply saying "no” was painfully draining.  It was and continues to be a slow process.

My journey was not neatly planned out.  There have been times where I have detoured, stopped or sat on a fence because I wasn't sure which way to go.  I have even sought shelter when I was tired or the road seemed endless.  This is my journey and it has been a curse and a blessing.  I have learned so much about myself and am still learning love who I am.  I have found buried deep in me a sense of humor that allows me to laugh.  I am not perfect.  I continue to be a work in progress.  I am one of the lucky ones. 

To the disappointment of my sons, I have mastered saying no and even throw in a "hell no", "I think not" or "you must be on drugs if you think I would say yes."

In case no one has told you "YOU are important and worthy of love simply because you exist."  You deserve to give yourself the same, if not more, kindness and compassion you give to others and while it may seem like you are alone in your journey I promise you are not. 

Life Soup...

Sometimes in the morning I wake up before the alarm.  I lie and bed looking at the ceiling feeling calm and my mind starts to wander.  I remember times past.  Experiences that happened so long ago it is almost like I read them in a book and was actually not the main character.  Moments of hysterical laughter shared with special people.  Times of grief and great pain that eventually pass and are stored to reflect on from time to time.  I think to myself:

[insert thought bubble] - Yeah, that was me.  I went through that and came out.

Sometimes I came out limping, others crawling and on rare occasion I ran the fuck out (those who know me know I don't run unless there is a major sale or I have to go to the bathroom).  The point is a came out. Survived times I thought I couldn't possibly have the strength to endure (thank you God for only giving me what I can handle).

Those experiences were spices in this big pot of soup called "My Life."  Once the spice is added it can't be removed - you can try to dilute it by adding more of another spice to hide the flavor or to reduce its potency but the spice is still in there and you have to make the best of it.  People will come and say "I don't know why you added that spice because I don't like it."  My response can only be "this is My Life Soup not Your Life Soup."  This is the way I was taught to make it and I can't really start from scratch again because there are some spices that I just know I will always use - whether someone else likes them or not - because it's My Life Soup - and the choice is yours as to whether or not you want to share it with me.

Sorry I am late (fail)......

I got the shits as I was leaving the house.
I was up late watching porn.
I couldn't find my dealer.
I was out until 4 am on a bender.
I thought the judge was going to see me earlier.

Feel free to share some of your own.

Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings & all that Jazz...

I hadn't realized it has been so long since I have blogged.  I have been really busy and in an on again / off again funk.

Here is my year at a glance in no particular order (my memory is sketchy so bare with me).

I self published my book Random Ish & Other Nonsense - If you haven't read it put it on your to do list.
I experienced the dating scene online - don't ask.
I celebrated another Birthday - thank you Lord.
I met a guy and I am in love - maybe...
My youngest child started High School
I reflected on my life and continued to work on me.
I laughed
I cried
I got pissed off and occasionally pissed on
I had a leak in my home and had to replace part of the floor
Dealt with that bitch Sandy
My relationship with family and friends strengthened
My relationship with other family and friends distanced
I made mistakes and owned up to them (most of them)

As the year is comes to an end and I realize that although I haven't always felt it I have been extremely fortunate and although my faith continues to struggle I continue to search for hope in the God of my understanding.

My heart and prayers go out to people who have lost loved ones or endured tragedies in 2012, as well as those who have managed to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other when all you really wanted to do was crawl under a rock or give up on life - kudos to you.

May 2013 bring you a peace, strength and courage within yourself and when possible may you share it with those around you who can't find their own.

Sissy

Holiday 10 for 10 and under...

My list of top 10 gifts under $10.

10.  Poofy socks
  9.  Picture Frame
  8.  Fake Pashmina
  7.  Superhero Mug
  6.  Costume Jewelry
  5.  Calendar
  4.  Ornament
  3.  Framed Photo
  2.  Wine Stopper
  1.   Random Ish and Other Nonsense the Book